The Every Man's Drink: Idiot-Proof Mixing

I have been bartending--or, as I like to say, beertending--now for about a year and a half. My first bartending job was at a "best chicken wings in the South" type restaurant that boasted an inventory of 230 beers from around the world. Thus, my job was little more than operating as a human bottle opener. Honestly, I probably didn't even make five Beam and cokes the whole time I worked there. At the end of January, I took a new bartending job at a downtown pub. During the day, the place has a large crowd of older, retired men nursing Budweiser drafts and peanuts; however, at night, it's a jam-packed, wild college crowd who demand every random shot ever posted on the Internet. Why is any of this relevant? Because I'm about to share with you some of the easiest drink recipes I've came up with, and it's important to understand the context behind their origin. I'm not a mixologist, I'm a bartender. These are not elegant, top-shelf cocktails deserving of their own Logo TV commercials; I bartend for the "every man," and these are some "every man"-style creations I've concocted!

(1.) THE EVERY MAN'S BLOODY MARY


I will never forget my first Bloody Mary, and that is not a good thing. It was Mr. & Mrs. T Bloody Mary Mix and Smirnoff, poorly concocted in a dorm room--and it was disgusting. A few years later, my current boyfriend--who himself bartended over ten years--taught me to make a Bloody Mary, which he described as "a meal in a glass." When you garnish your Bloody Marys with two different hot sauces, lemons, limes, carrots, celery, and about seven different spices, I suppose it is truly a meal--and a long-ass process of drink-making! I honestly think he puts about twelve different ingredients in his Bloody Marys. At my first bartending job, we offered a Bloody Mary bar to save time, letting customers make their own "liquid breakfasts." At my current bartending job, we don't have a Bloody Mary bar, nor do we stock celery, carrots, horse radish, or many other ingredients common to the Bloody Mary. Thus, I have finally perfected the quickest, and most delicious, way to make an awesome Bloody Mary--it is simple, easy to remember, and most importantly, quick!

Ingredients
8 oz. Clamato

1.5 - 2 oz Vodka

Tabasco
Celery Salt

Salt and Pepper (to taste)

Lemon or lime to garnish (optional)

Fill a 12-oz pint glass with ice and pour anywhere from one to two shots of vodka in it. (A well vodka like Barton's will do just fine--really, an expensive vodka will be ruined by the spice, anyway.) Pour the clamato over the rocks and vodka, and stir with a straw. Shake several dashes of tabasco onto the top, and pour a generous heap of celery salt. Add salt and pepper to taste, and, if desired, garnish with a lemon or lime. It's hard to ruin this no-muss, no-fuss cocktail with too much celery salt or even pepper, but it can be damaged by an excessive amount of salt. I've taught this Bloody Mary method to the other bartenders and even customers. Everybody loves it because it is the easiest way possible to make a scrumptious Bloody Mary.

(2.) ALLI-CATs & ASS SPANKINGs: THE EVERY MAN'S SHOOTERS

For whatever reason, I set a goal to create a shot with Hpnotiq when I first started bartending. Malibu coconut rum and pineapple is a pretty safe concoction--unfailingly delicious--so I decided to drop some Hpnotiq in, and the result was so scrumptious. I named the shot after myself and my coworker, Cat, who helped me create it, and thus was born the Alli-Cat, which now outsells every shot at our bar except a jagerbomb. (Take that, birthday cakes and Washington apples!) However, I found out not long after we started selling Alli-Cats that Hpnotiq actually already had been marketing the same recipe as a Hpnotiq Breeze. (Interestingly enough, I had been inspired by my own favorite drink, the Malibu Bay Breeze.) However, Hpnotiq Breeze is a cocktail, and the Alli-Cat is a shot, and a damn good one! You know, the very first shot I ever made up had five ingredients in it, and was only lackluster. The Alli-Cat--like the buttery nipple, the cherry bomb, and so many countless others--works because it has three or less ingredients that complement each other flawlessly. This is clearly a recipe anyone can remember and make it in their own homes. Plus, it's fucking delicious!

Ingredients:

1/2 oz. Hpnotiq

1/3 oz. Malibu coconut rum

1/3 oz. pineapple juice

Notice that the ingredient measurements do not add up to 1. This is because I serve Alli-Cats in 9 oz. rocks glasses. Hpnotiq is usually billed as a top-shelf cognac, and such a quality liquor needs to be enjoyed more than a small shot glass will allow. Shake all ingredients over ice and strain into a rocks glass. This is a delicious shot requiring no chaser, and most importantly, it's effortless!


Similarly easy is a truly original concoction of mine, a shot I call the Ass Spanking. When my workplace received a huge over-shipment of Wild Turkey 101, we tried to get rid of all the extra bottles by selling shots for $2 ($1.75 cheaper than normal). However, even when on special, this bourbon wasn't selling very well to the younger crowd, so I told a few customers I'd like to make up a mixed shot to help promote the Wild Turkey special. My customers all agreed the shot needed a catchy name, and some rather terrible suggestions started being thrown out, followed by some even more terrible responses as I scrambled to find a drink recipe to match the name--Come in My Mouth, which had me unsuccessfully pairing Kahlua Irish Cream with Wild Turkey, and Wet Panties, which, well, just wasn't very tasty. Finally, Ass Spanking was thrown out, and I thought, "Hmm. I need something that has a bit of a kick in it, but will still go down smoothly enough for people to want to take it." The Ass Spanking was a huge hit, definitely ridding us of some of our Turkey overstock, and has since become a regularly ordered shot, particularly on birthdays. It's abrasive, but actually quite enjoyable...much like a sexy spanking!

Ingredients

3/4 oz. Wild Turkey 101

1/4 oz. energy drink

1 dash Tabasco

Shake the bourbon and energy drink over rocks and strain into a shot glass. I like to use Monster for the energy drink, because it has a sweet taste that contrasts well with the harshness of the tabasco. Add a dash of Tabasco to the top of the shot. Do not overdo the tabasco--trust me, in such a small drink, you do not need that much! This shot is very simple to make and to teach bartenders at other pubs. It's also an awesome first shot for a 21st birthday, especially when you don't tell the drinker he or she is about to consume Tabasco. Careful, though-it might leave you feeling a little red and burned...

3.) MY OLD KENTUCKY HURRICANE: THE EVERY MAN'S GIRLY DRINK

New Orleans is my favorite place to travel, so clearly, I've had my share of hurricanes. What do I notice about the hurricanes in NOLA versus those here? Well, the ones in New Orleans are so delicious that the bartenders have a hard time keeping your glass filled, and, whew, are they unexpectedly potent! Meanwhile, in Kentucky, it's just hard to find a decent hurricane. They're either very poorly mixed and taste like straight up Bacardi, or they're weak glasses of grenadine. The hurricane is a surprisingly uncommon drink in Kentucky, and the ones you can find are not true New Orleans style hurricanes and contain different liquors, like amaretto, vodka, and even tequila, than NOLA's hurricanes (almost entirely rum) do. I've delved through dozens of variations of the hurricane recipe and finally decided that in Kentucky, I don't like anyone's but my own--yes, even my coworkers' hurricanes are disappointing. Some customers tell me my hurricanes are too sweet, or are just rum runners, and I am disappointed that I have yet to duplicate that orange sorbet taste hurricanes have in NOLA. However, here is my no-frills hurricane recipe. It's a lengthier mixing process than the other easy recipes found in this blog, but a very worthwhile one.

Ingredients

1/3 oz. Captain Morgan spiced rum

1/3 oz. Malibu coconut rum

1/3 oz. any light rum

1.5-2 oz. pineapple

1.5-2 oz. cranberry

1 oz. sweet and sour

1 oz. 7-Up or Sprite

1 oz. grenadine

Lime to garnish

1/2 oz. lime juice (optional)

You can alter the amount of these ingredients based on your personal taste; I personally love the taste of pineapple in a hurricane and may indulge more in that than I do, say, sweet and sour mix. As for the light rum, any clear well rum will do; I usually use Ronrigo or Barton's. However, you can use a call-level rum, like Bacardi, if you desire. Despite what other hurricane recipes may tell you, though, I would not forsake the Malibu or Captain Morgan; I think both are irreplacable, and their taste is quintessential to the success of this beverage. When I prepare this drink, I shake all the ingredients over ice and then drop everything--rocks included--into a 9 oz. pint glass or a hurricane glass, and add a lime on the side. I usually drop my lime inside the drink or add a dash of lime juice to make the drink a bit zestier. I've included this drink in the blog because it's tasty enough for the "every man," and it has in common with the other inclusions that it's my own easier variation of a famous drink. Making your own style of hurricane, by altering any of the ingredients or the amounts of the ingredients, is a great starting place for discovering how you like to taste alcohol, and it acquaints you with several different basic drink ingredients. Personally, if I taught bartending school, I'd require everybody to make their own variation of a hurricane before graduating!

Like this blog? There's more where this came from! Enjoy these no-muss, no-fuss, easy-to-make drink recipes, and I'll be sure to post some more soon!